Sleeping With the Vicar

I ought, once again, to preface this post with the clarification that Mrs Acular prefers me not to use her picture on this blessed thing. In the absence of her face I am forced, therefore, to use the nearest equivalent. Natasha Henstridge will just have to do, I am afraid - and a poor imitation she is!

Over recent months, I have been focussing on the travails of the local vicar, and have written a little about that elsewhere here. The greater anxiety in all of that is not, as you might imagine, for myself - because I don't care enough about my own preservation to dwell upon it. I find myself dwelling rather on the lot of the Vicar's Wife. 

I have touched on this subject in earlier posts,  but wanted to express myself more fully here. 

Now, taking my own parish as an example, I share (with the bishop) the cure of 15,000 souls. When they call, I answer. When they need, I respond. When they present their children, I fawn. When they struggle, I prop. When they seek solace, my shoulder is theirs. When they seek God, I testify. When they need sustenance  I consecrate. When they seek wholeness, I absolve. Day or night, I am ready. I have a phone by the bed for those nocturnal emergencies.

But I don't have 15,000 souls, do I? I have 14,999. 

I have said it before, but it warrants repeating - my wife doesn't have a parish priest. She (like all Vicar's Wives in whatever gender they are born), is disenfranchised from the pastoral provision on offer to everyone else. You would be forgiven for thinking because she occupies the other half of my sofa that she has a Vicar on tap - but you would be wrong. Her husband lives in her house with her, not her Vicar. 

If I were a different flavour of Christian, perhaps I would have a world-view that would claim that I have a ministry to her too, but I am not. I cannot see how that works, and to be honest, my vocation in respect of Mrs Acular is as a husband and friend. That alone. So what happens when she hits hard times? Who does she seek out? If (and it doesn't, I am glad to say) our relationship needed sincere prayer, the Vicar manifestly cannot in this case oblige (except for his own sake). Were she to grieve, what external and slightly detached support might she have? Dare I say it, if she has a sin that needs forgiving - who might offer that sacrament?

I am a husband to my wife and a priest to the people of the parish. I am not one of those priests who, by default, regards my wife as the other half of my ministry (and my website picture isn't a halcyon couple-shot behind a Vaseline lens). That isn't her vocation. It isn't the vocation of many Vicar's Wives, who are often called by God in their own very distinctive directions. Of course, I live with my wife as a Christian, and I plead for her before God as I would anyone - but it isn't quite the same. The fact is, priests are themselves mortal humans (no, really) and it is my wife's calling to see that which I conceal from the world outside - for good reason. 

I wonder if, in a an era where priests are altogether more 'attached' than ever before, that dioceses could or should not start to take seriously the need of the thousands of souls across our Church who live without their own pastoral support. Yes, the church is (mostly) a presence in every community - but often not in Vicarages. For my part, I thank my missus for all that she does to support my life, my ministry and our children and I pray earnestly for her as I do all those who are in the same position that she finds herself in. Without out Wive's, much of God's Mission would very seriously struggle!

Without Them We are Nothing

As I pondered the fate of Kate Middleton as she prepares to donate her organs, life, hopes and aspirations to a nation that may not always be kind to her, I was reminded of other such figures, closer to home, who do much the same.

This post is a timely acknowledgement of those who could be generically termed 'The Vicar's Wife'. They take many forms, of course: the Curate's wife, the curate's husband, the Incumbent's partner, and so on. You get the idea.

I am blessed with one such Vicar's Wife - the wonderful Mrs Acular. She is from a particular school of Vicar's Wife for whom the life she is caused to lead as a result of my calling to priesthood is the greatest leap from 'before'. Mrs Acular is a woman of quiet diligent faith, confessed only fairly recently, and confirmed shortly before I began theological training. The Godly Squadly life isn't always a familiar one to her, even now, and her personal style and expression of faith means that she isn't one of those partners who are part of the expression of the ministry (I refer to those wonderful partners who are so called to be the other half of the priest in question, in ministerial terms). She is a 'behind the scenes' partner, and without her presence and constancy, there would be no show. 

Vicar's Wives have to contend with so much. Their home, while provided freely, is not their own and is available to invasion by all-comers at all times of the day and night. Old Fr 'Dog Collar' here is called to that and is prepared, but quiet Mrs Acular has to assume the role of ever-polite doorkeeper, Personal Secretary to the Messiah-complex, and most of all - reactive. Ordained ministry is, by very definition, reactive. We are often attending to a circumstance not of our making, of timing not of our choosing. This means that my beloved has to change her plans and very often her working hours to suit. She does this quietly, attentively, diligently and rarely with complaint. 

The same is the case, I am sure, for most Vicar's Wives. The Vicar in question may be blessed that Mr/s Vicar's Wife is an activist, for whom the ministry in question is a means of their own faith expression, and can revel in that lifestyle. I think for the majority of Vicar's Wives this perhaps is not the case. Often, they are professional people in their own right, often from suspended professions so that families can be raised while the 'Redeemer' runs around redeeming. If all runs smoothly and perfectly, both have a chance to realise their dreams, but so often the dedication of the Vicar's Wife is such that the realised dream is not theirs. As I have posted before, they are relegated to the status of single-parents at church as they contend with the progeny alone. They are invariably second in line when retreats and quiet-time is being handed out. There is the implicit and often unstated set of expectations that arrive with a new 'Vicar' with a 'wife' - that s/he will do this or that for the church. This list is endless ...

So, to my wife (who doesn't read this very often) - thank you. Without you, this life couldn't happen. For that and all that you do covering for me and coping without me, I am most deeply endebted to you.

To rest of the 'Vicar's Wives' out there - know that what you do is good and appreciated. Without your tireless efforts and support, often quietly in the background, so many glorious priestly ministries would founder. When vicars leave, they recieve the love and thanks from the people for all that they did - but not a jot of it would ever have happened if our partners weren't raising our families for us, keeping home for us, making tea for guests for us, answering our phones and arranging our lives for us, or just praying for us and loving us. 

To quote Adey Grummet - they are the people who know what pants the vicar is wearing - and we forget that and all these things at our peril.