Giving and Receiving

'Tis the season to be jolly and all that; a  time to give and give in abundance; a time to fling millions at the retailers so that we can gather unto our fecund breast the trappings of the baybee Jeezuss. 

I find myself a little confused.com!

I have, in recent weeks, become familiar with the therapeutic encounter and in that setting there are rules that establish the basis for trust and openness - themselves pathways to healing. One of those rules, in the group encounter, is that there is to be "no care-taking"!

Care-taking in this setting refers to that instinctive response (in many) to reach out and offer care to one in distress. If one who is expressing him/herself does so through the visceral haze of tears, or else a rictus grin or the black depths of fury, there is to be "no care-taking". Leave them to cry; let them express their ire. The reason for this is clear, in therapeutic circles:

"The hand that gives is above the hand that receives".

I have pondered this for a few weeks now, in light of the phrase found in Acts that we all know: "It is more blessed to give than to receive" (Acts 20: 35). I have pondered this hard as I have tried (and yes, often failed) to model my meagre existence on this tenet of faith. That there is an inherent power imbalance had never occurred to me, and I am left wondering.  

The church (that august body of good men and women) is equipped with many gifts that it would bestow upon you if you so allowed it. We do charity a good'n. We'll cure your homosexuality with the Holy Spirit if you want us to*. We'll lob you a hand-out if the need arises. We'll fling water and oil around to solve your spiritual dis-ease. Yes, we can do all of that. But where is power in this?

Let us forget that it was Napoleon Bonaparte who expressed, so eloquently, the power imbalance so often present through the acts of giving and receiving. It does sometimes worry me that we the church will claim to have them the answers for you the sinner. We will look at your life and tell you where you have gone wrong and bring with us a remedy. Actually, I would go even further. We focus heavily on giving as a virtue because we cannot happily receive. So few of us feel worthy of a God-gift so we shy away from receiving such a grace as that, and defer to giving as the thing that we should be doing. 

Again, I write this only for myself - as one with an all-too-quick comment to help you fix that which is broken. I am often too quick to give worthy advice, the answer, a solution. I am learning that just sitting and resisting the urge to "give" means that I remain an equal to the other person, and in real danger of receiving a moment of grace in being party to the story of another. It is certainly a male thing to do the quick fix, but I wonder if it is also an innately (and well intentioned [on the whole]) Christian thing? 

* The author of this blog does not regard homosexuality to be a disease like some do. I do not believe that you can be cured of it or should be cured of it. I cannot be cured of my brown eyes or my boyish grin - and why not? Because I was born that way. I condemn homophobia in all its forms - including that which regards it as a curable disease. Enough said. 

Authority

Today we were thinking about 'authority' (which is to say that I was thinking about 'authority' and hoping that others were listening!) as a result of the Gospel passage given to us today  - Matt 21: 23ff.

The episode of South Park which gave us the clip I have placed here always made me laugh. It also reminded me of much authority exercised in churchy circles. I am not here to talk about what authority is and its sources, but I wonder sometimes if we don't use it in odd ways or even wrong ways. The "it has been like this years so we will do it like that for ever" is one such way that the authority of time and tradition is used. Needless to say, it is the axiom of all anti-women dogma in church life. 

Then you get the Cartman style of authority (see above) - exerted by coercion. It is the "I have authority because I say so and you can't stop me". We see this in church life in the hands of the passive-aggressives who rather than being overtly strong, are self-weakened so that we can keep our distance. This is a very significant source of much authority wielded in churches. 

The thing about authority is that it is in larger part granted us by others. Be can't really take authority upon ourselves, but rather receive affirmation from others that authorises us to act or behave in given ways. Even us vicars are in danger when we start the "we are the boss so you will respect my authoritah" and it long since not been the case that Father is Always Right. So often mistaken for power, authority is granted not taken [apologies for the typo that inverted that statement]

Just saying ...

The Beauty of Hands

I was sitting looking at my daughter's hands today. They were in mine, as she sat and watched a cherished 'Mr Tumble' TV programme - so I had chance, once again, to have a good look. 

I have been fascinated by the girls' hands since they were born. In the first days and weeks, they were the grasping, indiscriminate things with fingers flicking in all directions and none (this picture is of one such hand at one such time). They were hands that had no co-ordination beyond the instinctive, no ability to hold in any meaningful way, no ability to manipulate or control. I remember thinking then how it is another miracle of nature that such hands can develop into dextrous tools - the mark of humanity in many ways. 

Hands are, to me at least, central to my ministry. I use them in the sacred moments of consecration; I can give peace to someone who is ill-at-ease, just with a touch; in many ways I can weave stories and spells that mesmerise some of the children in my ministerial care; I can offer a greeting (one hand if you are 'alright', two if I really like you). I also believe (counter-culturally) that touch is the most soothing, reassuring, human thing that I can do, and appropriate with adults and children. Yes, there are protocols, but so are there for everything. 

With this in mind, I found myself rapt by these little hands. They are pretty adept at what life requires of them, but they are also gifted in comforting and soothing. Jessica and Rebekah have learned that even though they are still two years old, a stroke of the face is a healing thing. They have learned that a hand held is reassuring, offering safety and protection. They have learned that hands can beautify - they play with one another's hair, decorating it with clips and other such adornments (before moving on to mine). Yes, they also know how easily an index finger reaches to those places in the nose that a crayon cannot reach. Yes, they know that a hit will hurt. 

I stare wonderingly both in the present joy that those little hands give, and also at the vast potential that lays in them. I have no wish for them beyond being happy in this life, but I find myself pondering what those little mitts will achieve in their days. Will they be the hands that pens a world-class novel or an earth shattering symphony? Will they be hands that heal? Will they be hands that can suspend pain and tears? Will they be hands become capable of creating music that is so beautiful it is crippling? I even wonder if the vagueries of life will mean that they have to become hands that kill to prectect? If I miss a trick as a parent, will they be the hands that adminsiters the next fix? If eyes are the window to the soul, then hands are surely the front-door. The goodness that is innate in my children (even beyond any control that I can claim to have had) is manifest in their tenderness, in their readiness to heal (even now). They are so small, so perfectly formed, and yet so powerful that they can overwhelm me. In the years that I hope and pray are granted me to do so, I will watch avidly as those four little hands acquire new skills - all the while praying that they retain the perfect silent meaningful power that they already have.