Sunday, 6 June 2010

The Perversity of Inanimate Objects

Thanks to my Parish Administrator for the title; the eminent Mrs Morton shared this expression with me after I regaled her with some or other tale of how the inanimate conspire against me.

Before you 'poo-poo' the priest, perhaps you should read on. In the end, you too will recognise that Lucifer is in the static objects of our homes and places of work. 

1. When I drop a knife in the kitchen, why does it find the 10mm gap to fall down, and not the 3/4 acre of flat open space either side? Why, when it is my best knife and I am then caused to move the cooker?

2. When I am mincing through the Manse at speed, why does the door frame get in the way of my little toe - at an equal and opposite speed?

3. When I am in a hurry to print the sermon that I forgot to print last night and now it's this morning and it is five minutes after I was due to be in church and the Rector will give me a 'car-park chat' and I haven't even got my shoes on yet and I need to print the bloody sermon - why then does the paper run out and the only new paper is in an un-opened box that requires the scissors that are at the other end of the house?

4. When I have set up for the Service and all is well, why is it that the Daily Missal chooses a nanosecond before the Collect to flip half its pages, knowing that the page I need isn't bookmarked?

5. When I am preparing for a funeral and I have fashioned my liturgy carefully and lovingly upon my Dell, why does the black ink cartridge run out half way through the run? Why, knowing I then have to drive to a retailer to procure more? Why, knowing it is 11.30pm at night and the funeral is at something like four-in-the-morning? Why, when the only course of rememdy is to email it to church, nip up and print it off there in the middle of the night?

6. Why do I never have tins of chopped tomatoes when I have a Spagolognaise to make for the girls [the term 'spagolognaise' was an invention of Rebekah, while aged 2]?

7. Why does my iPod leap out of my closed hand just when I am walking over rough gravel, and so that the glass scratches?

8. Why does the hinge on the loo seat fail when I am sat on it, so that  (1) I get a camel bite on the back of my thigh and (2) I am thrown to the floor, bum in the air?

9. When I am in a tearing hurry, and have wrestled the car seat straps together so that they fasten over a writhing Cloakette, why is it that the car door fails to close properly when I intended to slam it shut, thus causing me to walk all the way back round the car to shut it again? Why, when it is raining?

10. That sermon in (3) - why does the bloody Dell update the minute I need to load the thing up to print? Why is it that the very update that prevents me from loading the sermon that I can't print due to lack of paper that is keeping me even later from church is '1 of 12' and 'may take several minutes'?

11.  .... and requires the computer to Restart

12. .... slowly

You see, you are a convert. I have proselytised you into the faith structure that acknowledges the Perversity of the Inanimate Object. Yes, God is good - but I wonder if God abandoned the inanimate years ago [please, no comments about congregations; they are not inanimate, they are just still and prayerful, honest Guv]


  1. These objects aren't really perverse. They just don't undertand you!

  2. Excellent news! Does this mean that women aren't perverse either?

    Good to see you both yesterday!



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