Thursday, 1 July 2010

Just a Quickie

As this is likely to be my last post for a few days, I thought I would catch your attention with some silliness - the sort of silliness that we tolerate on a daily basis here in Blighty. 

I speak of 'over-egging the pudding', 'over-playing the hand' - and with particular reference to the packaging supremos!

1. My Cheddar: apparently, it is 'slow matured for extra flavour'. Is it me? I thought, and I apologise if I am wrong, that time passed at a constant rate. Surely the rate of maturation is thereby constant too - so something can be neither 'hurredly matured', or 'slow matured'. Perhaps you can put my cheese into the Tardis and wang it forward a month or three and lob it out with such sentiment more accurately plastered across it. 'Slow Matured ...'. What else would it be?

2. My kids' toothpaste: apparently it is 'sugar free'. Now, perhaps I missed something during GCSE Biology (excepting sex education, which just didn't happen) but I thought that the primary factor in the decay of not just my kids' gnashers but also my own was sugar. Why oh why would there be sugar in toothpaste, let alone giving me the happy advantage of having removed it? What next, 'botchulism free yoghurt', 'salmonella free chucky eggs'? Don't do me any favours, people.

3. McDonald's Hot Drink Cups - now I know that there are some pathologically silly people on this Rock we call home, but surely even the most absurd fool would not fail to realise that by tipping the cup over, when full, to peel off the little freebie sticker, will result in not just a spilled drink, but also a scalded lap and  par-boiled family jewels. I feel moderately insulted that I need to be told in advance that the laws of physics will indeed intervene with my Filter with Milk. Furthermore, the Corporation seem to think that I have the memory of a ...

...goldfish. I bought a coffee, and they put it in a cup. That cup need not tell me that the cup that containing the coffee that I just ordered thereby contains a hot drink. I know it contains a hot drink, because I ordered the coffee that they put into the cup, expecting it to be hot, thus leaving the fact that the cup will contain hot liquid. Had I ordered a Coke with ice, poured it over my leg (as one does with ones drink, not) and been burned by it, then I would feel that I had a case. 

This list could go on forever, and I might add to it in the future. It's my birthday, I am half way to 76, so halfway to being irretrievably grumpy and beligerant. I needed to say this stuff - or else I would have had to tell the wife, and that just wouldn't do. 

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