Retreat

This post will have most valency for those who know me personally. For the rest of you, you will have to trust me when I say that I am a little 'in yer face', no - really! I seem to have boundless energy, a healthy sense of fun, have been described as comedically quick, and rarely stand still for long. One the whole, I must be knackering to watch, but all of the above serves me well when I visit the school.

I survive on batteries, like anyone, that require a routine recharge. My energies, despite appearance, are not boundless - they are really rather bounded. I do flag eventually - and then what?

I retreat into myself. I love space and quiet, and even with the love that I have for my wife and beautiful children, I seek space from them too. The missus is the same, so that is helpful. 

This all said, I am energised by being among others - but only in the way that an 'override button' delivers a few percent extra to whatever is taking place. I am energised by Presiding over the Eucharist, by meetings (sometimes), social gatherings and so on. The thing with that 'override button' is that it drains me faster. After a exhilerating Eucharist (is there any other sort?) I am exhausted - physically and emotionally. I am discovering therefore, that I have to find things to do on Sunday afternoons, for example, that grant me inner space and quiet. I have a very clear sense that we all have a 'spiritual room' (cf Henri Nouwen), and it is to that place where I retreat. This may even be in the context of family life, with the kids by my side hollering at one another - so I dig flowerbeds, mow lawns, I vacuum, I cook food. I find inner peace and solitude there - well, at least the sort that allows me to recharge. Once I am lost in my thoughts I am seeing the dial rise once again towards 'full'.

I am not sure where I want to go with this post - the contents have been growing in my mind all the day (and seventy seedlings later). The England caught in the raptures of World Cup fever feels a little like the inside of my head at times; while the country watches its team avidly and the noise of the cheering echoes around, the silence on the streets is palpable. The increase in clamour and noise brings with a clear growth in silence elsewhere. One exists with the other.

What charges your batteries? What drains them most rapidly?

Cabin Fever

It has been snowing, and the fact about English snow is that it is the worst in the world. It is violent and aggressive and it is insidious. It renders whole communities inactive where they have a commonly shared hillock (anything above 10 feet high). It snows and we all go into hibernation. The threat of snow does wonders for the Tesco family kitty as the entire world pile into their nearest store to stock up on, I am told, cat litter and contraceptive (apparently). In the old days when shops closed for Bank Holidays, we retailers would experience a similar panic behaviour in the days before hand, incase people ran out of ketchup or black peppercorns (Heaven forbid). So yes, it has been snowing, and I have largely been confined to barracks for fear of my very life in that Globally Warmed icebox beyond my door. The kids have been great, my missus has been a marvel but I think that we are sick of the sight of one another now. We are all a bit ratty, grumpy, aggressive and unreasonable. Gotta get out, man - cannot breathe .... The walls are a'spinning and I am experiencing nausia. The cat is talking about me with the other cat, I can tell you know, I can. They are looking at me now - I can see you, don't deny it. The gerbils are laughing at me, can't stand it .... gotta .... get ....out!

Sorry about that. I feel better for getting that off my chest.

This enforced period on 'the Mattresses' (cf Mario Puzo) had caused me to become rather eager to tidy. It is like Kim and Aggy had possessed me. I have tidied wardrobes, moved rooms around, purchased a new vacuum cleaner - and I have discovered the 60% of my wardrobe that had become hidden behind the 40% that I only ever wear. I am four fleeces, eleven t-shirts, nine shirts [un-ironed], six pairs of casual trousers and a hat better off for my endeavours. They were there all along, I had simply lost them. In the busy-ness of life, I hadn't just lost them by dint of poor wardrobe discipline, but had forgotten I owned them. It was like a prize shopping spree, free and gratis, and all the clothes were to my taste even if a few didn't fit anymore. What a happy day ...

I know that many people are suffering from a little cabin fever, and my beating heart goes out to them. I hope that you managed to buy your Gritty Kitty Litter and that all is now well.

Life has a habit, I am fast discovering, of enforcing things that I may not necessarily welcome, upon me. I have to reconcile my Spring Clean-cum-early with how magnificent it could be if I did the same with my spiritual life. I am wondering what is hiding in my Spiritual Room, and whether I need to have a tidy. There is so little time, I admit, but I also wonder if the 60% of my spiritual life that is hidden behind the poorly tidied 40% wouldn't just be a useful find. Let's face it, the 40% I work with will surely wear out soon enough ....